You see in that movie there is a menatally ill wife of the boss. She is loved by her husband who is beside himself with worry. She is in bed (lazy), she says aweful things and is unfit for human company.
I am her in many ways and not her in even worse ways than depression and disthymia.
She is so loved by her husband that he wouldn't abandon her, so obvious as to never come up at all. Devotion in times of ilness is something I do not have. I am abandoned often, not helped.
John Cofey heals her, with the unasked for help of friends. They care for both the man and the ill woman enough to risk thier jobs for them. Nobody will risk even feeling bummed out for a 1/2 hour with me.
They did things for her benefit solely to help her, elaborate deeds one after the other because of thier own compassion. It propelled them to do. That is the truest test of a person...will they go somewhere and do something for you if they care. Duh...simple huh...but wait....do you know how hard it is to get someone to come over to your house?
Let alone....how do you get asked to thier house? You can't. If the offer to come to my house is never accepted and no invites to yours, should I see that as compassionate and supportive showing that you love me and will do anything to help? Don't I dare point out empty words or I won't even get that! Those friends will be offended and I am the asshole who gets ditched and worthy of anger. Funny how telling me what to do is so easy but to do something I ask is worthy of refusal and anger....no wonder I am not just cured from your advice...my fault again!
It is incredible how he basic human instinct if to give a few paragraphs of pep talks a few times then give up on anather person. It is how we all live and I myself have done it before in the distant past.
So when I say nobody will save me it is true fact, not opinionon. The fact is based on the past 30 years experience and I cannot know the future, who can, but to argue the future with me so you can feel your pep talk is a cure is sooooooooooooooooooo backwards. Why am I molifying you and your normal brain opinion instead of you molifying me and my sick brain fact? Do I really need to feed your ego while I am in the middle of a suicidal attack? If you can't see the millions of things wrong with this situation I cannot ever find words to get through to you.
This is what I face when I mention anything "negative" about my reality. It is so consistant I have begun to view the world as hostile in general....good for me and my healing......? If I hear one more, snort, see another set of rolling eyes when I say I feel shakey I'll pop. How much pain can a person take? How often can a person be made to feel like a loser for not getting cured after someone says "I have bad days too you know"? How many times should I show the true me if I get "loser" sent to me in waves with suggestions so obvious that I would have to be brain dead not depressed to have not tried and tried thes incredible suggestions. This is why The Green Mile made me cry and quake and dispair.
I have had so much pain added to my life for asking for help that to see help freely given made me see how far far away I was from any help at all. When someone gives me something nice I cry. I am so unused to it that I cary from the unexpected relief I get knowing I am worth something real to someone. Izyy and Glen helped me work when I was so shakey I could barely get out of bed. They happily came and worked with me....and I was so overwhelmed I cried 4 or 5 times at thier kindness. They are my John Cofey and can't cure me, but can make the pain go away and that is worth as much as a cure to me. I have been capable of work 5 days in the last 3 weeks. I am losing money from my own ilness and it adds to my stress, but I have no relief but the few moments at my house, Izzy's or Glens where we share space, not just words, spoken or typed. Ihave not been offered more my anyone else for so long I am numb to being a nothing for the most part. But sometimes, out of nowhere, even when enjoying a great film, in an instand the stark emptiness of my likfe is instantly slammed into my conscienceness and I am crying and in dispair in a nano second....no warning, nothing to hold the feeling from attacking it is so fast. I weep as they arrive in the prison truck. Mark, my roomate becomes uncomfortable at another weak display from me. The boss is pointing a shotgun at them to defend his wife and then himself and I know nobody will fight for me. The boss tries to stop John from touching his wife and I know nobody will love me that fircely, if ever at all. John cures her and I sob knowing I am stuck forever in the place from where she was just realeased. Husband and wife share a glorious embrace full of love the screen can't contain, and this acting scene has more real love than my real life and I dispair and cry harder. she thanks John and so does her husband with utter gratitude and I have nobody to share a simple thankyou with.
Nobody will love a MAN with a weak mind full of depression and disthymia, who is lazy and a loser because I refuse to get better from pep talks, screaming insults and loveless pain as a motivator.
So I watch the end of the movie as an act of will to prove to myself I have a tiny bit of strength and fight the world in my head wispering loser.
I won. I watched. I recovered...3 days later...(lazy aren't I) and I started to write this to see if it would do any good. So far...a little for me and more for others so I will continue, even though it takes me days to recover from the writing. People are sufferring and dying all around us and I somehow find strenth for that fight every day; to see if I can help someone dying in front of the world.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Judged by the quality of thier mercy
I didn't write that title, it is a quote. I am not the first and only one to say that a worthwhile person exhibits mercy. If you are mad at me, be mad at every volunteer too. I know you are deeply concerned about others and fairness first so don't forget all those others who give time or is it waste time?
Wow, 12th and I can finally be
So It has taken this long to recover. No shit. I have been struggling for a long time and, surprise suprise my recovery times are getting longer, not shorter. This also is better when I am not alone, have family, support and such. True for everyone isn't it, but you see there is the easiest way to dismiss my ilnesws in an instant. Is it so simple to ignore something if you ascribe it to everyone??? Try this mental exercise : A woman has cancer and is on her 5th relapse, getting chemo and can't get out of bed. She is having a hard time dealing with the illness and the treatment all alone. Her husband and his 2 kids left her (common law 6 years), her husband calling her a loser and a faker. Her family thinks that she isn't trying hard enough so they scream at her to get a job and she finally said I can't take the stress from your "help" and is alone because the support she should have all think thier opinions outweigh her reality. Her cancer keeps coming back again and again and she needs help all the time, endlessly. Her husband and family see her as a loser , faker, whiner and cannot stand to give her support when she is so obviously not doing anything to make her life better.
Got than picture? Now answer these simple questions : What is your opinion of her families treatment of her?
How would this effect her ability to fuction?
Her husband and children call her a drama queen for crying and actually scream "cry me a river" to her face so what is your opinion of the father and how would it effect her?
Is the 5th relapse more than enough reason to abandon her....she isn't getting better?
Would you argue with her about positive thinking?
If in 2 years she still couldn't get out of bed some days would she be lazy?
If she didn't take your advice to cheer up, think positive, get out and volunteer, get a job and exercise...how long until you would stop being her friend?
Do you see her a marriage material for your single friends?
Why is cancer an understandable situation, but when it is your brain not your body in peril of taking your life is so easily dismissed?
Which reminds me for those who said they wouldn't abandon me for writing this stuff I must tell the truth to them about the one who did.
The only person who has gone off my friends list because of this is my first love Barb Zaseybida. She is actually typical of my ex, my family and some friends who think thier opinion trumps reality. These people somehow see sympathy as something vile. I am just guessing of course, like she would give a reason. Good riddence, but so disappointing and kind of ugly if you ask me. I am sure her real live friends think she is amazing but I have changed my opinion of her from strong woman with good family to self centered, heartless narcissist whose infallible opinion trumps reality and throws humans away like tissue. The world is a sadder place while the successful laugh and live. I encounter these types more often than not. They are successful and have overcome advercity of some sort, but have cars and houses....to these people the idea of sympathy and support is only for those who are.....worthy? I am guessing at the reasons...they never tell you the whole ugly truth of thier opinions, but I know this woman from over the years and she is typical. Like my brothers and sister who robbed and make me 10 times sicker with thier "help" which is basically...."Suck it up"
Now if our cancer patient was worthy of some human emotion, even though she is completely imaginary, why is a mentally ill man who is in almost identical circumstances viewed the exact opposite by thje large majority of people in general, including friends, family husbands and kids?
As a person who has recieved the quality of others kindness, caring, compassion and support I know first hand how a simple thought like "everyone feels sad sometimes" or "you aren't the only one" are somehow "cures" that I am willfully refusing to follow or I am to weak minded to do and a waste of thier time and energy.
To Barb I am a loser. Simple. To most I am a loser. Now you who try and tell me I am not......guess what...I know!!! LOL
So does knowing mean doing? Feeling? Being? Ask anyone who needs to loose 5 pounds or more that knowing is far far far from doing. Should everyone who is 5 or more pounds overweight be ditched as weak minded or obstanant? Lazy or not worth time or energy? A loser? If they don't lose weight are they being too much of an asshole to be a facebook friend with? If you are successful should you ditch your "fat" friends? How about your fat family? Throw out your wife or husband?
Funny how we forgive ourselves for anything and others for nothing sometimes. Those of you who stick with me in spite of my brain cancer can actually feel compassion, understanding and have humanity to make the world a cooler place.
Since I have started this I have lost one so called friend. On the other hand.....one friend has told me of an attempted suicide, others about family and friends who suffer. My elementary school friends, just some of the women, have rallied and understand and have made me stronger...no yelling or arguing about "think positive". My old lost and found Pete and my constant rock and only real family, Glen are the only men to say a word.
The idea of this whole blog is stated in my first entry and easily forgotten...but not by me. Help others. To help others I need you all to face up to your own reactions to me and others around you...the black sheep brother, the sad sister, the 40 lost jobs friend... teens, kids, co workers who are considered by the world in general as a waste of time and energy, mothers and fathers who cry, or even yourself.
How can you read this and be angry with me? How can you watch a sister cry and be sad and just say "I told you to get a job" and wash your hands of her? How can you treat pain and suffering as a simple case of "suck it up"? Why is your friend a waste of time? Why does that sad teen piss you off?
Why, just because YOU overcame your NON DISEASE obsticales should EVERYBODY be judged against your OBVIOUS GREATNESS??? Being narcissistic to the point of causing pain and heartache, contributing to misery and suicide of friends and family alike diesn't seem so successful to me. Barb now seems very ugly, although, oddly, I'll love her somehow forever, and I forgive her and the rest of the 90% of those who think themselves so wonderful that I am too toxic for thier lives, even on facebook. Who wants to spend time with losers? Nobody phones losers, invites them for coffee, a party, dinner or a movie. Losers see pictures of thier successful frineds surrounding themsleves with only "positive" energy and see that they don't fit the happy mold and are an afterthough to thier friends successful, wonderful happy lives. Losers get words and not deeds. Losers fend for themselves like everyone else and get no special treatment, and actually get worse treatment because of thier willfull disreguard of your amazingly easy to impliment advice. I mean you lost your last 5 pounds like that didn't you? Well, you forgive yourself for that, but not the loser.
So.....how many losers do you know? How many undiagnosed people with depression do you know? Is it your dad who just frowns and stares? Your brother who drinks and can't keep a job? Your mom who is mad all the time (a symptom of depression)? Your son or daughter who had been like that since she was 6? Or maybe it is starting now....maybe it has just begun for someone and they work with you. Maybe it is you.
Do you feel like a loser? Do you clench your teeth? Do you have muscle tension that never seems to go away? Are you feeling hopeless? Do you cry every week? Every day? Are you isolated? Lonely like being crushed by an invisible hand? Lost your sence of humor? Laugh rarely? Can't get out of your head? Extremely hard on yourself...like everyone else is? Hate your life sometimes? Can't get out of bed? Hard time brushing your teath or showering? Lazy? Unmotivated? Frightened? Nervous? Panic close at hand? Overwhelemed all the time? On your last nerve? Suicidal? Can't feel love? Stay happy for 5 minutes instead of 5 hours? Just plain coo coo?
SEE YOUR FUCKING DOCTOR NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TAKE YOUR FRIEND OR FAMILY TO THE DOCTOR NOW!!!!!!!!!!!
Although they will never see it this way because they have problems with saying sorry, of making amends, the narcissism is too strong or the perfectyion to evident, I wish those who are so typical could see how thier instant dismissals are part of the biggest problem we have on this planet. Humanity isn't words, but deeds...to friends and family, coworkers and even strangers.
No I am ready to admit that I am not a loser most of the time in my own eyes. Barb, my family, my ex and most of the world show and tell me I am a loser by thier words and deeds. I am treated like a loser when I go dance with friends who make"icky you" faces every single time to the rest of the dancers when I come to say hi. Everyone else gets smiles. Not me, even though I am smiling. No invites. Not in years from most. Words not deeds. I go places alone always because everyone else has important things to do. How dare I name names and highlight ongoing behaviour when anger, not shame or mia culpa is the only reaction I'll get? I am a loser!!!! Ask those who are pissed off that thier behaviour could be questioned. Ask those tho are angry or hurt by my comments. Ask those who won't take time or trouble and offer empty words if I am a loser and they will say no....butthan again, who ever admits their opinion is wrong? It seems like someone all grown up would see things in a more sophisticated, realistic way, but they just keep thier opinion and move on. Your life or death is easily dismissed because........you tell me...I am not like that.
So what do I expect will happen after this is posted? Most won't read it. Those who do will see thier own attitude or opinion critisised and shown for distructive and they will just...dismiss it and things will go on as always. Some will point out that that do what they can and get even madder if you say that it is the barest of minimums. But I hope some will actually re-examine thier reactions, feeling and motives...but those are the ones who would do that anyway. If Barb reads this she will hate me I am sure for MY making her look bad, but you see...I only repeated the facts and those who look bad look bad for the reason of thier own making. If you are so proud of who you are then post your replies to my evil accusations here, not in a private message on facebook....but that would be a change right there and you won't do anything anyone asks anyways!
The point is to make you see with new eyes, even though the information comes from a loser. Or can we both finally agree that illness does not a loser make...it may even make that sad sack lazy ass loser appear as a brave lone warrior fighting death alone everyday.
Probably not.
Got than picture? Now answer these simple questions : What is your opinion of her families treatment of her?
How would this effect her ability to fuction?
Her husband and children call her a drama queen for crying and actually scream "cry me a river" to her face so what is your opinion of the father and how would it effect her?
Is the 5th relapse more than enough reason to abandon her....she isn't getting better?
Would you argue with her about positive thinking?
If in 2 years she still couldn't get out of bed some days would she be lazy?
If she didn't take your advice to cheer up, think positive, get out and volunteer, get a job and exercise...how long until you would stop being her friend?
Do you see her a marriage material for your single friends?
Why is cancer an understandable situation, but when it is your brain not your body in peril of taking your life is so easily dismissed?
Which reminds me for those who said they wouldn't abandon me for writing this stuff I must tell the truth to them about the one who did.
The only person who has gone off my friends list because of this is my first love Barb Zaseybida. She is actually typical of my ex, my family and some friends who think thier opinion trumps reality. These people somehow see sympathy as something vile. I am just guessing of course, like she would give a reason. Good riddence, but so disappointing and kind of ugly if you ask me. I am sure her real live friends think she is amazing but I have changed my opinion of her from strong woman with good family to self centered, heartless narcissist whose infallible opinion trumps reality and throws humans away like tissue. The world is a sadder place while the successful laugh and live. I encounter these types more often than not. They are successful and have overcome advercity of some sort, but have cars and houses....to these people the idea of sympathy and support is only for those who are.....worthy? I am guessing at the reasons...they never tell you the whole ugly truth of thier opinions, but I know this woman from over the years and she is typical. Like my brothers and sister who robbed and make me 10 times sicker with thier "help" which is basically...."Suck it up"
Now if our cancer patient was worthy of some human emotion, even though she is completely imaginary, why is a mentally ill man who is in almost identical circumstances viewed the exact opposite by thje large majority of people in general, including friends, family husbands and kids?
As a person who has recieved the quality of others kindness, caring, compassion and support I know first hand how a simple thought like "everyone feels sad sometimes" or "you aren't the only one" are somehow "cures" that I am willfully refusing to follow or I am to weak minded to do and a waste of thier time and energy.
To Barb I am a loser. Simple. To most I am a loser. Now you who try and tell me I am not......guess what...I know!!! LOL
So does knowing mean doing? Feeling? Being? Ask anyone who needs to loose 5 pounds or more that knowing is far far far from doing. Should everyone who is 5 or more pounds overweight be ditched as weak minded or obstanant? Lazy or not worth time or energy? A loser? If they don't lose weight are they being too much of an asshole to be a facebook friend with? If you are successful should you ditch your "fat" friends? How about your fat family? Throw out your wife or husband?
Funny how we forgive ourselves for anything and others for nothing sometimes. Those of you who stick with me in spite of my brain cancer can actually feel compassion, understanding and have humanity to make the world a cooler place.
Since I have started this I have lost one so called friend. On the other hand.....one friend has told me of an attempted suicide, others about family and friends who suffer. My elementary school friends, just some of the women, have rallied and understand and have made me stronger...no yelling or arguing about "think positive". My old lost and found Pete and my constant rock and only real family, Glen are the only men to say a word.
The idea of this whole blog is stated in my first entry and easily forgotten...but not by me. Help others. To help others I need you all to face up to your own reactions to me and others around you...the black sheep brother, the sad sister, the 40 lost jobs friend... teens, kids, co workers who are considered by the world in general as a waste of time and energy, mothers and fathers who cry, or even yourself.
How can you read this and be angry with me? How can you watch a sister cry and be sad and just say "I told you to get a job" and wash your hands of her? How can you treat pain and suffering as a simple case of "suck it up"? Why is your friend a waste of time? Why does that sad teen piss you off?
Why, just because YOU overcame your NON DISEASE obsticales should EVERYBODY be judged against your OBVIOUS GREATNESS??? Being narcissistic to the point of causing pain and heartache, contributing to misery and suicide of friends and family alike diesn't seem so successful to me. Barb now seems very ugly, although, oddly, I'll love her somehow forever, and I forgive her and the rest of the 90% of those who think themselves so wonderful that I am too toxic for thier lives, even on facebook. Who wants to spend time with losers? Nobody phones losers, invites them for coffee, a party, dinner or a movie. Losers see pictures of thier successful frineds surrounding themsleves with only "positive" energy and see that they don't fit the happy mold and are an afterthough to thier friends successful, wonderful happy lives. Losers get words and not deeds. Losers fend for themselves like everyone else and get no special treatment, and actually get worse treatment because of thier willfull disreguard of your amazingly easy to impliment advice. I mean you lost your last 5 pounds like that didn't you? Well, you forgive yourself for that, but not the loser.
So.....how many losers do you know? How many undiagnosed people with depression do you know? Is it your dad who just frowns and stares? Your brother who drinks and can't keep a job? Your mom who is mad all the time (a symptom of depression)? Your son or daughter who had been like that since she was 6? Or maybe it is starting now....maybe it has just begun for someone and they work with you. Maybe it is you.
Do you feel like a loser? Do you clench your teeth? Do you have muscle tension that never seems to go away? Are you feeling hopeless? Do you cry every week? Every day? Are you isolated? Lonely like being crushed by an invisible hand? Lost your sence of humor? Laugh rarely? Can't get out of your head? Extremely hard on yourself...like everyone else is? Hate your life sometimes? Can't get out of bed? Hard time brushing your teath or showering? Lazy? Unmotivated? Frightened? Nervous? Panic close at hand? Overwhelemed all the time? On your last nerve? Suicidal? Can't feel love? Stay happy for 5 minutes instead of 5 hours? Just plain coo coo?
SEE YOUR FUCKING DOCTOR NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TAKE YOUR FRIEND OR FAMILY TO THE DOCTOR NOW!!!!!!!!!!!
Although they will never see it this way because they have problems with saying sorry, of making amends, the narcissism is too strong or the perfectyion to evident, I wish those who are so typical could see how thier instant dismissals are part of the biggest problem we have on this planet. Humanity isn't words, but deeds...to friends and family, coworkers and even strangers.
No I am ready to admit that I am not a loser most of the time in my own eyes. Barb, my family, my ex and most of the world show and tell me I am a loser by thier words and deeds. I am treated like a loser when I go dance with friends who make"icky you" faces every single time to the rest of the dancers when I come to say hi. Everyone else gets smiles. Not me, even though I am smiling. No invites. Not in years from most. Words not deeds. I go places alone always because everyone else has important things to do. How dare I name names and highlight ongoing behaviour when anger, not shame or mia culpa is the only reaction I'll get? I am a loser!!!! Ask those who are pissed off that thier behaviour could be questioned. Ask those tho are angry or hurt by my comments. Ask those who won't take time or trouble and offer empty words if I am a loser and they will say no....butthan again, who ever admits their opinion is wrong? It seems like someone all grown up would see things in a more sophisticated, realistic way, but they just keep thier opinion and move on. Your life or death is easily dismissed because........you tell me...I am not like that.
So what do I expect will happen after this is posted? Most won't read it. Those who do will see thier own attitude or opinion critisised and shown for distructive and they will just...dismiss it and things will go on as always. Some will point out that that do what they can and get even madder if you say that it is the barest of minimums. But I hope some will actually re-examine thier reactions, feeling and motives...but those are the ones who would do that anyway. If Barb reads this she will hate me I am sure for MY making her look bad, but you see...I only repeated the facts and those who look bad look bad for the reason of thier own making. If you are so proud of who you are then post your replies to my evil accusations here, not in a private message on facebook....but that would be a change right there and you won't do anything anyone asks anyways!
The point is to make you see with new eyes, even though the information comes from a loser. Or can we both finally agree that illness does not a loser make...it may even make that sad sack lazy ass loser appear as a brave lone warrior fighting death alone everyday.
Probably not.
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