Saturday, January 31, 2009
Die some more tonight
I'll die some more tonight and dance tomorrow night. I'll eat sweet strawberries and try to be open to all. I will hope more dreams do not die in the night and tomorrow really will be better. Hope is the killer. Hope is the cure. Hope is the killer. Hope is the cure.
Afraid....it so rarely works...
Someone is being nice to me. Someone may even love me. Someone secret. I write here and she will see what I am writing so am I writing tio her or from me? Frome me is hardest. From me is all this has been. My lengthy babbles about my existance. Me. From me.
I am afraid. I want to have what I want. Don't we all? But I rarely get it.
My cousin is going out with this guy who is lame, treats her crappy and it is a new relationship. She says "yYou can't help who you like" and I just shut up. How can I argue with that, so I guess I support her. She likes the guy so it's war, disapprove and play nice or support her.
NOw me. I like someone who will probably never like me. I don't know if I love her, probably not, we spend no time together so I guess I want to see if we can be we. So now I know what I want. Try to see if feelings are there spending time together.
This will not happen. She is always busy and continues to do several things at once, continuously to fill her time. Now it is a new thing, then the next thing...so I'll never be able to be more important than the next activity or interest. In writing this I have decided I am a total fool and should withdraw all offers and sink into "aquantance" and NOT GET WHAT I WANT. Do I need to be hit in the head with a hammer?
She does not want me. Obvious but painful on top of pain. Smarten up and get over it, believe the millions of signs that say "she says NO" and live with it. Yippee! Cheated by my own hope again....damn positiveism! Doesn't work worth a crap. I will never even be kissed by her with passion so stop.
Stop. STOP!!!
OK, she can try for her wants and succeed or fail.
I have failed in my want.
Now a secret admirer may love me.
Sounds perfect!! A wonderful, caring woman who may love and rescue me!!!! Sign me up!!!
I am gonna get married and have a baby!!! Yippee!!!.....what did you say.....slow down????
Oh ya, right...what if she is my age, probably is, so no baby for me. No genetic contimuation of my gene pool. What if she doesn't like my assholeishness...what if I don't like her.....her what....? I know nothing but a sweet intention. I whiff of hope..... I don't know if I can take another letdown. Do I have to give up making my own baby?
Don't type a word about adopting as it is not passing on my genes....like I am too dumb to know that adoption is an option? You wouldn't believe how many say "You can adopt" like I was 4 not 44. Do they really think that is helping???? Treating me like I am an idiot for not adopting...like I haven't considered it ???? Fucking unreal the help I get, and am expected to be grateful for, like a double idiot.
Adopting is not making a baby and every woman out there with a baby should NEVER tell someone who can make a baby to adopt. YOu have your genes alive....so I would think you would understand that instinct to CREATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sheesh, I get sick of having to educate about every little thing. Respect is such an easy thing to demand for many, but impossible to give for them as well. Adopt??? You should think before you blurt out your obvious solutions and respect the fact that I could NEEDTO CREATE as much as any MOTHER!
So, am I am asshole for wanting a baby made by me? I would call myself a Husband and Father, not asshole.
Will my secret admirer want a baby? I find it almost impossible to think so. We want what we want. We like who we like. We love who we love.
It might be real....she could be in her 30's or late 20's and want a family....and love me....and me love her.....it could be......but I can't see it in this dark.
I love the strawberries. I eat each one with care and a slight solemnity. It is a decleration of love I hold, and tase. It is a decleration of some wonderful woman who does not deserve pain. I may be the source of her pain, I realise, as I eat the beautiful strawberry, taste the chocolate, the sweet and sour of the fleshy fruit. I find tears and frustration at every turn. Everything good hides a poisionous snake, slumbering and coiled. I will be the bad guy. I am not fit for human company because I want a baby. How does that turn out this way for me.....? I am so afraid of who it might not be that loves me enough to show me her heart and trust me not to damage it. I want to be happy.
I want to be happy.
I want to be happy.
Did the spell work? Magic is for children. I have no magic at all in my life. I am afraid. I am always so afraid because reality makes wanting a baby, like a good father would, a viper in the crib instead of the worlds greatest good.
I am afraid. I want to have what I want. Don't we all? But I rarely get it.
My cousin is going out with this guy who is lame, treats her crappy and it is a new relationship. She says "yYou can't help who you like" and I just shut up. How can I argue with that, so I guess I support her. She likes the guy so it's war, disapprove and play nice or support her.
NOw me. I like someone who will probably never like me. I don't know if I love her, probably not, we spend no time together so I guess I want to see if we can be we. So now I know what I want. Try to see if feelings are there spending time together.
This will not happen. She is always busy and continues to do several things at once, continuously to fill her time. Now it is a new thing, then the next thing...so I'll never be able to be more important than the next activity or interest. In writing this I have decided I am a total fool and should withdraw all offers and sink into "aquantance" and NOT GET WHAT I WANT. Do I need to be hit in the head with a hammer?
She does not want me. Obvious but painful on top of pain. Smarten up and get over it, believe the millions of signs that say "she says NO" and live with it. Yippee! Cheated by my own hope again....damn positiveism! Doesn't work worth a crap. I will never even be kissed by her with passion so stop.
Stop. STOP!!!
OK, she can try for her wants and succeed or fail.
I have failed in my want.
Now a secret admirer may love me.
Sounds perfect!! A wonderful, caring woman who may love and rescue me!!!! Sign me up!!!
I am gonna get married and have a baby!!! Yippee!!!.....what did you say.....slow down????
Oh ya, right...what if she is my age, probably is, so no baby for me. No genetic contimuation of my gene pool. What if she doesn't like my assholeishness...what if I don't like her.....her what....? I know nothing but a sweet intention. I whiff of hope..... I don't know if I can take another letdown. Do I have to give up making my own baby?
Don't type a word about adopting as it is not passing on my genes....like I am too dumb to know that adoption is an option? You wouldn't believe how many say "You can adopt" like I was 4 not 44. Do they really think that is helping???? Treating me like I am an idiot for not adopting...like I haven't considered it ???? Fucking unreal the help I get, and am expected to be grateful for, like a double idiot.
Adopting is not making a baby and every woman out there with a baby should NEVER tell someone who can make a baby to adopt. YOu have your genes alive....so I would think you would understand that instinct to CREATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sheesh, I get sick of having to educate about every little thing. Respect is such an easy thing to demand for many, but impossible to give for them as well. Adopt??? You should think before you blurt out your obvious solutions and respect the fact that I could NEEDTO CREATE as much as any MOTHER!
So, am I am asshole for wanting a baby made by me? I would call myself a Husband and Father, not asshole.
Will my secret admirer want a baby? I find it almost impossible to think so. We want what we want. We like who we like. We love who we love.
It might be real....she could be in her 30's or late 20's and want a family....and love me....and me love her.....it could be......but I can't see it in this dark.
I love the strawberries. I eat each one with care and a slight solemnity. It is a decleration of love I hold, and tase. It is a decleration of some wonderful woman who does not deserve pain. I may be the source of her pain, I realise, as I eat the beautiful strawberry, taste the chocolate, the sweet and sour of the fleshy fruit. I find tears and frustration at every turn. Everything good hides a poisionous snake, slumbering and coiled. I will be the bad guy. I am not fit for human company because I want a baby. How does that turn out this way for me.....? I am so afraid of who it might not be that loves me enough to show me her heart and trust me not to damage it. I want to be happy.
I want to be happy.
I want to be happy.
Did the spell work? Magic is for children. I have no magic at all in my life. I am afraid. I am always so afraid because reality makes wanting a baby, like a good father would, a viper in the crib instead of the worlds greatest good.
I went to my Dr. for my usual 3 or 4 month appt. and I am on a much stricter time and dosage of Effexor XR. The spins are being reported from all corners. It is a symptom of quick drops or increases in seratonin. I am trying to even out my spikes and have been spinning almost constantly for 2 days, low level for the most part, with crazy moments of disorientation. I am hoping I will even out in the next week. I haven't been able to work for a week. I have a small job to do and I need the money sooooooooo badly, but, as usual, I am stymied by my own bloddy brain! I need to be on a roof, but in this condition I could fall eaisly. Not good. I have to do it myself as I can't afford to pay my guy to help me. So there it sits, my wee job, mocking me as I spin. It's a day and a half and I can barely drive.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
