I am unfit for help, even unfit for the suicide hotline

I am unfit for humans. I am unfit for help.

Tuesday I am crying and the dispair is coming in waves. I try and numb my mind, illiminate possible triggers and negative feedback but I am losing. I am in a 10 minute or so assault cycle. 10 minutes pass and the fear wells up..."on the streets" and I start to shake. I try to stop, to distract, to numb, but the chemicals from that microsecond of fear have been released into my bloodstream. I cry, the pain building quickly, too fast for me to counter...damn fear chemicals! I try and not think, and fail. I an a failure. A loser who can't control himself. Doomed to be loveless and ripped off for 1000 at any time. Useless fucker I am, who will ever want me? I cry and shake, sob and shake. My whole body hurts and my head feels like a tensor bandage streched to the limit is squeesing my head as I pant like an old dog after 3 stairs. Just like the dog death is near. I wail, and just lay on the floor. I can't get up, my legs don't work. I feel the spins as my pill is burned through and I take another and hold my head in my hand, fingers and thumb at the temples and feel the throb and I know the spins will make me like a concussion victim so I don't try and get off the floor but lay back down, swallowing the pill dry. And I cry, nobody to hold me, love me, care, kiss me...not ever with me like this. It lasts 2 or 3 minutes and I find a blank spot in my thinking. Just a moment of...nothing and I seize the chance. In this moment of nothing I stop crying by sheer will and, after a minute catch my breath and call Rox at the Mobile Unit South, a lady who will come to your house and visit you and council you. It is a good service when it works, but, I am KC and doomed so........hold onto your hats, this is so nasty you will be stunned.

Rox isn't there and I get Jason. He says "Think positive" and I hear him typing on the computer. I am so diminished. I am not worth undivided attention from the suicide prevention guy and he gives me the worst advice ever given. Think positive?????? My disease, which he is well aware of as this is my 4th time calling, attacks positive thinking. Duh!!!! His advice is undoable by definition! I say asking me to just think positive isn't much help as my disease attacks my ability to do that very thing. He sounds miffed and says, in a miffed voice as he types, you need to think positive again. I tell him that asking me to think positive at this moment is like asking a one legged man to run. He then gets offended and says, 'well I am telling you what you need to do', in this, "oh boy, another idiot wasting my time" voice . I ask him if he is there for me or if I am there for him and he says that I am being abusive. I am shocked. I ask if he understands that his advice may or may not be good for me and he becomes angry at the notion "think positive" might now be good advice for me right now. Mad at me. The suicide prevention guy has made this conversation about me validating his advice and is mad I am not. What the fuck is wrong with my life?????? I am being shit on by the suicide prevention guy.

He suggests AISH Assistance for the Severely Handicapped. I say AISH is a joke for those of us with mental illness as the 10 minute interview to determine if we qualify is designed to exclude everyone who is not "severe" in thise interviewers estimation. As my doctor say, "You have to have no arms or legs to even be considered!" I have no sooner said this when he informs me he used to be an intake worker at AISH. I say then am I right I won't get it? He says" I won't talk about this. You are not geting help from me it seems so I will no longer talk with you."


I am ditched by the suicide prevention guy!! It is funny now, like a sick joke made real. But at the time I was shocked that he would do this to me or anyone else. He transfers me to Sue for "help" and she gets on the phone pissed off from the first word. Of cource, like in any job, say the mailroom, Jason gives Sue a heads up and she is ready to fight and offended on Jasons behalf and spits out the words, "This is Sue, can I help you?" I chuckle wryly and say " I called for help and don't seem to be getting any." I will cut short, in less than 2 minutes of "name me something positive" and my answering " I can't think of 1 thing right now" ended in Sue saying "I won't help you, you can call back and ask for a manager" after I swore and demanded an apology.

I called back, furious and so hurt the two were crowding my head and got....an answering machine for Irene who, 2 days later has not called me back. I left a message and called back again and got one of the program heads, Jackie. Finally Jackie!!!
Jackie listened to every word. I could here her furiously writing notes. She was shocked, stunned, mortified and completely sympathetic. I swore, I yelled, which appearantly sick people can't do on a suicide hotline (didn't make any sence to Jackie either! Thank Thor!LOL) She could not believe the damage that was done to me by "help" for me. She and I talked for over an hour and I have much of it on video...I may put it up somewhere when I feel strong enough to let the world see me at my near worst, crying, changing moods in nano seconds...but with Jackie it was to LISTEN and SYMPATHISE, not offer Dr. Phil and Oprah slogans and tired cliche's. Help is sympathy not instant solutions as they pop into your head. For instance.....I have been medicated for 14 years and people say, " You should get off the pills" or "Think positive" or the ever helpful "It's all in your head". Anmd to these I am supposed to go "Thankyou for the incredible advice! I will do it!" then skip away laughing and cured!! Jackie laughed when I said this and said "The meds keep you alive!" and laughed again ath the same thing as me. Wow, cool, someone actually thinking, not just spitting out the first one sentance cure they think of.
So there you have it. I am so strong that I can get mad and make the system better for the next person to call. There is a maeeting about this, changes and information to the way callers are handled. Screaming, crying, yelling, and even the normal feeling of anger can now be expressed by the suicidal!!! Yeah!!!
Jackie and I talked about the person who is too weak to even fight the crappy advice. Thos who would just accept "Think positive" with resignation and feel let down and give up. Giving up on a suicide hotline means death. Moms, dads, brothers, sisters, all family and friends suffer the loss to suicide of a loved one because the final straw comes from the hotline that is supposed to pull you away from the edge, not push you over, let the tears fall where they may.
Each of us can help save or, yes, with our dicisions and foucus on ourselves and our kids, help kill. Not phoning because you don't know what to say can kill. Dismissing as easily fixed can kill. Slogans and cliches can kill. Spending all your time with your kids can kill. Apathy can kill.
Death of another could have been the easy outcome of Jason and Sue's attitudes if it had been someone other than me. Someone more dispondant would not call back...would be reinforced that they were worthless and may then suicide.
If your actions can be seen in the happiness your actions contribute too, we can all see ourselves as good people. "I made the world better by giving to the food bank!! I am good!!!"
So then if we can see that we must, to be honest as honest can be, say also " I didn't call, go visit, invite over and (loved ones name here) might be alive if I cared enough to make some calls and a few visits."
You see if 2 or 3 or 4 people in your life DO first because they are well and caring people then the ill loved one feels safe and can move forward. The well do first to show the ill there is love in the world.
This is too much to ask 90% of the people you know. And probably you too.
So am I insulting you or informing you? Do I deserve your anger or thanks? Do you deserve to feel guilty about your help or proud? BE HONEST _ you expect it from the ill so do no less and save some lives my friends, save some lives around you.
Please?

It Keeps Getting Worse

So just got stiffed for 1000 dollars worth of work since Dec.24. My holiday was horrible. I was sick most of the time, crying, heavy anxiety, exhaustion, insomnia, stiffenning up from head to toe, in depression pain almost constantly.
Depression pain is all over. You just hurt. My muscles stiffen up, like right now this is hard to type. My neck is sore. This is with my medication with the extras I am allowed. My stress is burning through my pills like wild fire and I can't keep up. This is all temporary, but constant, related to the holidays and being ripped off for 1000 and no work to recover the lost funds. Happy holidays KC!
I am unable to leave my house for the most part these last 4 days. I had a nasty day yesterday and Glen came to sit with me last night. He comes 2 or 3 times a week to see me now that I am worse than I usually am.
You see I fight every day and sopme days, even occasionally 1 whole week I'll have no incidents at all. No attacks. The usual is 3 days at a stretch. Then something happens and , if everyone is there around me, and my dosage is my every day dose I react like a normal person. I get mad, I fell shit on and then....it goes away and I move on. I do live days like normal people and I am clinging to the face of the cliff until I can climb back up at this particular time. I am cracking up right now, being overwhelemed by my misfortunes, everyday pressures and battling my fucking brain for control. I am not this bad as a rule. I do better things go smoothly and I have some safety, some security, some support, I can get by on the small amount of love I have in my life.
Now, this moment in time when I can't make up 1000, have another 1000 coming and face eviction and the streets. I wonder how a normal would react? All mighty and able to make thier wants turn into reality! Go out in the world and show them all! Take the lickin' and keep on tickin'!!! Or so I imagine.
I am at the lowest functioning level I can be. I have suicidal thoughts. I long for death moreso. Suicide is exhaustionf to plan and carry out, I am too sick to kill myselfbecause my medication keeps me alive dispite my longing for death.
Sometimes when I have no hope left I just imagine being dead. No waking, no nights full of interupted sleep, sweating so much my bed and pillow, blanket are still wet 6 hours later. No terror of the day. No more crying, dispair, hopelessness, no more pain pain pain. I will think about just magically dying somehow and I smile. I feel relief for a minute or two, the relief of the idea that I won't fucking suffer anymore makes me, for a moment content. Death when longed for is comforting. That is so fucking backwards an not me. But there it is in me. Comfort and relief...my muscles are actually loosenning while I type this. Death would be welcome. Death has been welcome for a while. For about 4 years. It is more work than I can do, just being alive and , as the tears start to flow as I type, I just want to be happy.
Anyone know any rich, incredibly caring, lovely sweet woman to marry me and have a baby? Anyone? I could use being saved. The only way a human can be saved is by the love of another human. Well cats and dogs help, I'll admit! lol I am serious though. I could breath and feel secure knowing I wouldn't end up in a cardboard box. I will raise the child/children and be an excellent husband and father, if not a shitty earner for the most part. I can earn, but sporatically. No rich wonderful wanna baby beautiful chicks in my circle so I thought I'd ask!!! LMAO
Being saved. Being happy. Still being sick, but my old dosage and love. Security and kids. Such a stupid thought, being saved.I am not a pretty woman, so , my chances of being saved is pretty miniscule. Right now, as shakey as I am it becomes a stupid thought I'll keep because any crack of light is worth my life in this dark desert of blackness.
Tuesday, yesterday was so bad I had to call suicide prevention, but that is an amazing story that will make you look at our system of help we have for the mentally ill and suicidal services with appalled, wonder of the most horrific kind. Read the next one and see a life like a fucking bad movie! lol