This all started with The Green Mile

You see in that movie there is a menatally ill wife of the boss. She is loved by her husband who is beside himself with worry. She is in bed (lazy), she says aweful things and is unfit for human company.
I am her in many ways and not her in even worse ways than depression and disthymia.
She is so loved by her husband that he wouldn't abandon her, so obvious as to never come up at all. Devotion in times of ilness is something I do not have. I am abandoned often, not helped.
John Cofey heals her, with the unasked for help of friends. They care for both the man and the ill woman enough to risk thier jobs for them. Nobody will risk even feeling bummed out for a 1/2 hour with me.
They did things for her benefit solely to help her, elaborate deeds one after the other because of thier own compassion. It propelled them to do. That is the truest test of a person...will they go somewhere and do something for you if they care. Duh...simple huh...but wait....do you know how hard it is to get someone to come over to your house?
Let alone....how do you get asked to thier house? You can't. If the offer to come to my house is never accepted and no invites to yours, should I see that as compassionate and supportive showing that you love me and will do anything to help? Don't I dare point out empty words or I won't even get that! Those friends will be offended and I am the asshole who gets ditched and worthy of anger. Funny how telling me what to do is so easy but to do something I ask is worthy of refusal and anger....no wonder I am not just cured from your advice...my fault again!
It is incredible how he basic human instinct if to give a few paragraphs of pep talks a few times then give up on anather person. It is how we all live and I myself have done it before in the distant past.
So when I say nobody will save me it is true fact, not opinionon. The fact is based on the past 30 years experience and I cannot know the future, who can, but to argue the future with me so you can feel your pep talk is a cure is sooooooooooooooooooo backwards. Why am I molifying you and your normal brain opinion instead of you molifying me and my sick brain fact? Do I really need to feed your ego while I am in the middle of a suicidal attack? If you can't see the millions of things wrong with this situation I cannot ever find words to get through to you.
This is what I face when I mention anything "negative" about my reality. It is so consistant I have begun to view the world as hostile in general....good for me and my healing......? If I hear one more, snort, see another set of rolling eyes when I say I feel shakey I'll pop. How much pain can a person take? How often can a person be made to feel like a loser for not getting cured after someone says "I have bad days too you know"? How many times should I show the true me if I get "loser" sent to me in waves with suggestions so obvious that I would have to be brain dead not depressed to have not tried and tried thes incredible suggestions. This is why The Green Mile made me cry and quake and dispair.
I have had so much pain added to my life for asking for help that to see help freely given made me see how far far away I was from any help at all. When someone gives me something nice I cry. I am so unused to it that I cary from the unexpected relief I get knowing I am worth something real to someone. Izyy and Glen helped me work when I was so shakey I could barely get out of bed. They happily came and worked with me....and I was so overwhelmed I cried 4 or 5 times at thier kindness. They are my John Cofey and can't cure me, but can make the pain go away and that is worth as much as a cure to me. I have been capable of work 5 days in the last 3 weeks. I am losing money from my own ilness and it adds to my stress, but I have no relief but the few moments at my house, Izzy's or Glens where we share space, not just words, spoken or typed. Ihave not been offered more my anyone else for so long I am numb to being a nothing for the most part. But sometimes, out of nowhere, even when enjoying a great film, in an instand the stark emptiness of my likfe is instantly slammed into my conscienceness and I am crying and in dispair in a nano second....no warning, nothing to hold the feeling from attacking it is so fast. I weep as they arrive in the prison truck. Mark, my roomate becomes uncomfortable at another weak display from me. The boss is pointing a shotgun at them to defend his wife and then himself and I know nobody will fight for me. The boss tries to stop John from touching his wife and I know nobody will love me that fircely, if ever at all. John cures her and I sob knowing I am stuck forever in the place from where she was just realeased. Husband and wife share a glorious embrace full of love the screen can't contain, and this acting scene has more real love than my real life and I dispair and cry harder. she thanks John and so does her husband with utter gratitude and I have nobody to share a simple thankyou with.
Nobody will love a MAN with a weak mind full of depression and disthymia, who is lazy and a loser because I refuse to get better from pep talks, screaming insults and loveless pain as a motivator.
So I watch the end of the movie as an act of will to prove to myself I have a tiny bit of strength and fight the world in my head wispering loser.
I won. I watched. I recovered...3 days later...(lazy aren't I) and I started to write this to see if it would do any good. So far...a little for me and more for others so I will continue, even though it takes me days to recover from the writing. People are sufferring and dying all around us and I somehow find strenth for that fight every day; to see if I can help someone dying in front of the world.