Sunday, November 11, 2018
Friday, November 9, 2018
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Love? Feeling good....yes good.
Secret Admirer I believe I know who you are now. I may have been wrong in thinking it was not J of many names, but it must be.
First of all, the whole secrecy thing is kinda fun, but I feel guilty now I think I know who it is and don't want her, if I am right(a small chance) she is not able to afford to send me gifts and we have been through the whole compatability discussion that ended badly. It is no big deal, if I am right, I hade small hopes, don't forget I know how things go for me so I am ready for this secret admirer to be uncompatible because I am certain I appear as a poor choise to almost everone who I feel I am compatable with.
Level heade, strong, smart, well read, reasonable....reasonable the most. I want a kid so, younger of course, but A whiff of "high school" and I am out! I amm 44 and need somethings more than others. High school thinking I need not at all. Love I need, but is being miserable with a person for years love?
I am feeling better, working again. My meds seem to be evenning out, but 4 days was pretty long to have spins...but 2 days now with none! I was on a roof today even. That is my litmus test, being ok on a roof. I still am me with my disease but the relief is welcome so I am taking advantage of it. I am working on my paper for the CSA and sending in a proposal to the Life Sciences Director for some feedbak. Meeting with my lead researcher and I may record it for posterity. Zero gravity space medicine is a weird hobby I know but, those who know me aren't surprised somehow! You guys rock! Post a comment
First of all, the whole secrecy thing is kinda fun, but I feel guilty now I think I know who it is and don't want her, if I am right(a small chance) she is not able to afford to send me gifts and we have been through the whole compatability discussion that ended badly. It is no big deal, if I am right, I hade small hopes, don't forget I know how things go for me so I am ready for this secret admirer to be uncompatible because I am certain I appear as a poor choise to almost everone who I feel I am compatable with.
Level heade, strong, smart, well read, reasonable....reasonable the most. I want a kid so, younger of course, but A whiff of "high school" and I am out! I amm 44 and need somethings more than others. High school thinking I need not at all. Love I need, but is being miserable with a person for years love?
I am feeling better, working again. My meds seem to be evenning out, but 4 days was pretty long to have spins...but 2 days now with none! I was on a roof today even. That is my litmus test, being ok on a roof. I still am me with my disease but the relief is welcome so I am taking advantage of it. I am working on my paper for the CSA and sending in a proposal to the Life Sciences Director for some feedbak. Meeting with my lead researcher and I may record it for posterity. Zero gravity space medicine is a weird hobby I know but, those who know me aren't surprised somehow! You guys rock! Post a comment
Sunday, February 1, 2009
I hope we are it man it!
I am sooo ready for love. Really. No shit, ready as the day is long. I am open to a woman who has sent me chocolate strawberries! I love choco-strawberries. She says she loves me and wishes I could love her. I could! I am afraid, happy, hopeful, curious and above al......better. I feel better knowing that someone thinks I am OK just as I am, now being near my bottom. Believe this ir not it gets worse that the story so far.
I saw my ex V had stopped taking her hormone pills and I was furious since she hadn't dicussed anything with me. She hadn't taken them for weeks. We had a misscarriage days before. Then I was devistated. She called me a loser and said I did it on purpose so I wouldn't have your baby.
That was it.
This set in motion the sale of the house and a split. My family stole all of my house money using my mom as an excuse: about 50 thousand.
They put my mom in a home.
When informed of the split everymember of my family was only concerned about my moms living arrangements. They had ignored he basically for 30 years. Pat used her as dog sitter. My brother Loius drove 2 blocks past her apt. for 20 years and NEVER ONCE stopped in after work. He had TV shows to watch. Seriously. TV over mom every single day for 20 years.
V and I had mom in her own basement suit in my and V's house. Mom helped me buy it and was on the title...exploited by my family later.
Those of you who are my friends have seen me with Charlotte over the years and many of you have spent more time with my mom than, say Michelle, my twisted sister, in 20 years.
V and me and the kids loved having mom and mom loved being there.
So...not one family member ever asked if I was OK from the split. No t 1 I'm sorry about the misscarriages. They stole my money because they couldn't believe mom would help me buy a house, or so it came out, even though they all knew the house was mine, not moms, even according to her.
There is tons more but that is the gist.
I lost in 3 monthjs : My wife, my kids (her 2 kids), any chance for a baby, my mom, my house, my brothers and sister (who were never really there anyways), all the love in my life was gone, any money I made on the house (I was destitute)and all I had left was a kitten.
V was on the computer hunting for a new man the day of the split. It was...I can't even remeber the month we split...just a haze of pain....you'll see.
My mom is gone and I am in the basement suitewhere she used to be. V is upstairs with the kids I had raised for 7 years. I had surgery scheduled for Feb 13. Feb 14 is the day me and V met. We met online complaining about fucking stupid valentines day. LOL We ended up meeting in Didsbury and we got together after that for 7 years.
To be kind to me V and the kids moved me in with them to the new condo for X-mas and new years. I was with them, but not. Living on charity from my ex who hated me. Why the hate? I am a lsoer. I am a faker. I am an asshole, I am not making house payments, I am lazy, I, I , I ,..........
In the old basement suite, for 4 months...wait...we split in aug....anyways, for 4 months I had been having severe panic attacks.
Panic attacks are the most terrifying thing I have ever experienced and I was almost murdered. The attacks were because I was being robbed by my family, my ex was hunting a new man 1 day later and I had no chance to make a dollar. I was in the way you caould imagine yourself being if you went to the bathroom during your favorite show and when you came out a tiger tried to eat you in the hall. Terror. I was so terrified I would lay on the floor and cry, pass out, cry and pass out again. I am shaking typing this, holy fuck people you can't imagine what extended terror does to a person.
My heart raced so bad that my Dr. saw me once a month to monitor my heart. I was having heart tearing surges in adrenaline from fear. I would turn into ice and nothing would warm me. I had a 5 hour panic attack alone one night, screaming in terror while upstairs V was making MSN dates.
I am starting to relive some of it so I have to type fast now.....I was dead, unable to feed myself, nowhere to go, no one to turn to and the street and death were calling me...then we all went to V's new condo.
I whould here her typing day after day from the basement where I rolled in drugged agony day after day. The sound tormented me and then I had my hernia operation. 8 weeks withiut being able to even put my full weight on my left leg. Dr's orders. This is when the final tortures where enected on me as I watched V go on dates and fall in love, talk on the phone and laugh.
I was trapped on the couch for 2 months of this, sick sick sick so I tried to tranquilise myself and I londed for death every day. This went on for 4 months because of the severity of my hernia I couldn't walk for 2 more months.
V called me everything my ilness called me and the kids joined in. I was raging in depression, unable to imagine ever getting out alive, my heart almost splitting in two from emotional and physical pain. Heart attacks run in my family.
Sher did do 1 thig that saved my life because even she couldn't put me on the streets. She gave me half of her money from the house. I got 50 thou and have spent 30 trying not to die in the following 2 years. That is why I am alive.
There is so much more but this brings me to today, this moment. I can't talk about that time anymore, death comes to close to me now. Today is life.
I ate strawberries and wonder if she is lovely? How she knows me. Is she ready for a baby, or is she done with children. That is my biggest worry, but I am trying to be positive. I can't let this baby curse control me untill I know more. Not knowing is heard, but it also leaves some painful answers in the realm of possible. Possible is beter than NO. So I am eating my last 3 strawberries for brunch and trying to leave my mind and heart open to whatever may come. I know my chanses of her wanting my baby are slim, she would have to be much younger than me to even consider that and I am an old, worthless burden in anyones eyes, let alone a successful fertile woman who could have a healthy man! LOL I am still hoping that I'll be happy. I can see myself happy with a woman. I can see myself happy with a woman and child we have created with our love. I might be able to be happy without a baby, maybe.
I guess like every person I'll have to wait....and see....
I hope she tells me who she is sooner than later so I can make up my own mind. That is my final thought righ there.
Offer what you have to me honestly so the choises are mine to weigh. I will offer you all I am and you can make up your mind for yourself. With both of us, cards on the table we can look into each others eyes and see what we decide. V had her tubes reversed to try and have a baby. I cannot hate V completely for her hate of me.
I am finished my last strawberry and this post. I am too tired for spell checking. I hope I can be happy. I love the hope today for the most part. I will find out soon I hope. Hope is the healer today while the answers remain unanswered.
I saw my ex V had stopped taking her hormone pills and I was furious since she hadn't dicussed anything with me. She hadn't taken them for weeks. We had a misscarriage days before. Then I was devistated. She called me a loser and said I did it on purpose so I wouldn't have your baby.
That was it.
This set in motion the sale of the house and a split. My family stole all of my house money using my mom as an excuse: about 50 thousand.
They put my mom in a home.
When informed of the split everymember of my family was only concerned about my moms living arrangements. They had ignored he basically for 30 years. Pat used her as dog sitter. My brother Loius drove 2 blocks past her apt. for 20 years and NEVER ONCE stopped in after work. He had TV shows to watch. Seriously. TV over mom every single day for 20 years.
V and I had mom in her own basement suit in my and V's house. Mom helped me buy it and was on the title...exploited by my family later.
Those of you who are my friends have seen me with Charlotte over the years and many of you have spent more time with my mom than, say Michelle, my twisted sister, in 20 years.
V and me and the kids loved having mom and mom loved being there.
So...not one family member ever asked if I was OK from the split. No t 1 I'm sorry about the misscarriages. They stole my money because they couldn't believe mom would help me buy a house, or so it came out, even though they all knew the house was mine, not moms, even according to her.
There is tons more but that is the gist.
I lost in 3 monthjs : My wife, my kids (her 2 kids), any chance for a baby, my mom, my house, my brothers and sister (who were never really there anyways), all the love in my life was gone, any money I made on the house (I was destitute)and all I had left was a kitten.
V was on the computer hunting for a new man the day of the split. It was...I can't even remeber the month we split...just a haze of pain....you'll see.
My mom is gone and I am in the basement suitewhere she used to be. V is upstairs with the kids I had raised for 7 years. I had surgery scheduled for Feb 13. Feb 14 is the day me and V met. We met online complaining about fucking stupid valentines day. LOL We ended up meeting in Didsbury and we got together after that for 7 years.
To be kind to me V and the kids moved me in with them to the new condo for X-mas and new years. I was with them, but not. Living on charity from my ex who hated me. Why the hate? I am a lsoer. I am a faker. I am an asshole, I am not making house payments, I am lazy, I, I , I ,..........
In the old basement suite, for 4 months...wait...we split in aug....anyways, for 4 months I had been having severe panic attacks.
Panic attacks are the most terrifying thing I have ever experienced and I was almost murdered. The attacks were because I was being robbed by my family, my ex was hunting a new man 1 day later and I had no chance to make a dollar. I was in the way you caould imagine yourself being if you went to the bathroom during your favorite show and when you came out a tiger tried to eat you in the hall. Terror. I was so terrified I would lay on the floor and cry, pass out, cry and pass out again. I am shaking typing this, holy fuck people you can't imagine what extended terror does to a person.
My heart raced so bad that my Dr. saw me once a month to monitor my heart. I was having heart tearing surges in adrenaline from fear. I would turn into ice and nothing would warm me. I had a 5 hour panic attack alone one night, screaming in terror while upstairs V was making MSN dates.
I am starting to relive some of it so I have to type fast now.....I was dead, unable to feed myself, nowhere to go, no one to turn to and the street and death were calling me...then we all went to V's new condo.
I whould here her typing day after day from the basement where I rolled in drugged agony day after day. The sound tormented me and then I had my hernia operation. 8 weeks withiut being able to even put my full weight on my left leg. Dr's orders. This is when the final tortures where enected on me as I watched V go on dates and fall in love, talk on the phone and laugh.
I was trapped on the couch for 2 months of this, sick sick sick so I tried to tranquilise myself and I londed for death every day. This went on for 4 months because of the severity of my hernia I couldn't walk for 2 more months.
V called me everything my ilness called me and the kids joined in. I was raging in depression, unable to imagine ever getting out alive, my heart almost splitting in two from emotional and physical pain. Heart attacks run in my family.
Sher did do 1 thig that saved my life because even she couldn't put me on the streets. She gave me half of her money from the house. I got 50 thou and have spent 30 trying not to die in the following 2 years. That is why I am alive.
There is so much more but this brings me to today, this moment. I can't talk about that time anymore, death comes to close to me now. Today is life.
I ate strawberries and wonder if she is lovely? How she knows me. Is she ready for a baby, or is she done with children. That is my biggest worry, but I am trying to be positive. I can't let this baby curse control me untill I know more. Not knowing is heard, but it also leaves some painful answers in the realm of possible. Possible is beter than NO. So I am eating my last 3 strawberries for brunch and trying to leave my mind and heart open to whatever may come. I know my chanses of her wanting my baby are slim, she would have to be much younger than me to even consider that and I am an old, worthless burden in anyones eyes, let alone a successful fertile woman who could have a healthy man! LOL I am still hoping that I'll be happy. I can see myself happy with a woman. I can see myself happy with a woman and child we have created with our love. I might be able to be happy without a baby, maybe.
I guess like every person I'll have to wait....and see....
I hope she tells me who she is sooner than later so I can make up my own mind. That is my final thought righ there.
Offer what you have to me honestly so the choises are mine to weigh. I will offer you all I am and you can make up your mind for yourself. With both of us, cards on the table we can look into each others eyes and see what we decide. V had her tubes reversed to try and have a baby. I cannot hate V completely for her hate of me.
I am finished my last strawberry and this post. I am too tired for spell checking. I hope I can be happy. I love the hope today for the most part. I will find out soon I hope. Hope is the healer today while the answers remain unanswered.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Die some more tonight
I'll die some more tonight and dance tomorrow night. I'll eat sweet strawberries and try to be open to all. I will hope more dreams do not die in the night and tomorrow really will be better. Hope is the killer. Hope is the cure. Hope is the killer. Hope is the cure.
Afraid....it so rarely works...
Someone is being nice to me. Someone may even love me. Someone secret. I write here and she will see what I am writing so am I writing tio her or from me? Frome me is hardest. From me is all this has been. My lengthy babbles about my existance. Me. From me.
I am afraid. I want to have what I want. Don't we all? But I rarely get it.
My cousin is going out with this guy who is lame, treats her crappy and it is a new relationship. She says "yYou can't help who you like" and I just shut up. How can I argue with that, so I guess I support her. She likes the guy so it's war, disapprove and play nice or support her.
NOw me. I like someone who will probably never like me. I don't know if I love her, probably not, we spend no time together so I guess I want to see if we can be we. So now I know what I want. Try to see if feelings are there spending time together.
This will not happen. She is always busy and continues to do several things at once, continuously to fill her time. Now it is a new thing, then the next thing...so I'll never be able to be more important than the next activity or interest. In writing this I have decided I am a total fool and should withdraw all offers and sink into "aquantance" and NOT GET WHAT I WANT. Do I need to be hit in the head with a hammer?
She does not want me. Obvious but painful on top of pain. Smarten up and get over it, believe the millions of signs that say "she says NO" and live with it. Yippee! Cheated by my own hope again....damn positiveism! Doesn't work worth a crap. I will never even be kissed by her with passion so stop.
Stop. STOP!!!
OK, she can try for her wants and succeed or fail.
I have failed in my want.
Now a secret admirer may love me.
Sounds perfect!! A wonderful, caring woman who may love and rescue me!!!! Sign me up!!!
I am gonna get married and have a baby!!! Yippee!!!.....what did you say.....slow down????
Oh ya, right...what if she is my age, probably is, so no baby for me. No genetic contimuation of my gene pool. What if she doesn't like my assholeishness...what if I don't like her.....her what....? I know nothing but a sweet intention. I whiff of hope..... I don't know if I can take another letdown. Do I have to give up making my own baby?
Don't type a word about adopting as it is not passing on my genes....like I am too dumb to know that adoption is an option? You wouldn't believe how many say "You can adopt" like I was 4 not 44. Do they really think that is helping???? Treating me like I am an idiot for not adopting...like I haven't considered it ???? Fucking unreal the help I get, and am expected to be grateful for, like a double idiot.
Adopting is not making a baby and every woman out there with a baby should NEVER tell someone who can make a baby to adopt. YOu have your genes alive....so I would think you would understand that instinct to CREATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sheesh, I get sick of having to educate about every little thing. Respect is such an easy thing to demand for many, but impossible to give for them as well. Adopt??? You should think before you blurt out your obvious solutions and respect the fact that I could NEEDTO CREATE as much as any MOTHER!
So, am I am asshole for wanting a baby made by me? I would call myself a Husband and Father, not asshole.
Will my secret admirer want a baby? I find it almost impossible to think so. We want what we want. We like who we like. We love who we love.
It might be real....she could be in her 30's or late 20's and want a family....and love me....and me love her.....it could be......but I can't see it in this dark.
I love the strawberries. I eat each one with care and a slight solemnity. It is a decleration of love I hold, and tase. It is a decleration of some wonderful woman who does not deserve pain. I may be the source of her pain, I realise, as I eat the beautiful strawberry, taste the chocolate, the sweet and sour of the fleshy fruit. I find tears and frustration at every turn. Everything good hides a poisionous snake, slumbering and coiled. I will be the bad guy. I am not fit for human company because I want a baby. How does that turn out this way for me.....? I am so afraid of who it might not be that loves me enough to show me her heart and trust me not to damage it. I want to be happy.
I want to be happy.
I want to be happy.
Did the spell work? Magic is for children. I have no magic at all in my life. I am afraid. I am always so afraid because reality makes wanting a baby, like a good father would, a viper in the crib instead of the worlds greatest good.
I am afraid. I want to have what I want. Don't we all? But I rarely get it.
My cousin is going out with this guy who is lame, treats her crappy and it is a new relationship. She says "yYou can't help who you like" and I just shut up. How can I argue with that, so I guess I support her. She likes the guy so it's war, disapprove and play nice or support her.
NOw me. I like someone who will probably never like me. I don't know if I love her, probably not, we spend no time together so I guess I want to see if we can be we. So now I know what I want. Try to see if feelings are there spending time together.
This will not happen. She is always busy and continues to do several things at once, continuously to fill her time. Now it is a new thing, then the next thing...so I'll never be able to be more important than the next activity or interest. In writing this I have decided I am a total fool and should withdraw all offers and sink into "aquantance" and NOT GET WHAT I WANT. Do I need to be hit in the head with a hammer?
She does not want me. Obvious but painful on top of pain. Smarten up and get over it, believe the millions of signs that say "she says NO" and live with it. Yippee! Cheated by my own hope again....damn positiveism! Doesn't work worth a crap. I will never even be kissed by her with passion so stop.
Stop. STOP!!!
OK, she can try for her wants and succeed or fail.
I have failed in my want.
Now a secret admirer may love me.
Sounds perfect!! A wonderful, caring woman who may love and rescue me!!!! Sign me up!!!
I am gonna get married and have a baby!!! Yippee!!!.....what did you say.....slow down????
Oh ya, right...what if she is my age, probably is, so no baby for me. No genetic contimuation of my gene pool. What if she doesn't like my assholeishness...what if I don't like her.....her what....? I know nothing but a sweet intention. I whiff of hope..... I don't know if I can take another letdown. Do I have to give up making my own baby?
Don't type a word about adopting as it is not passing on my genes....like I am too dumb to know that adoption is an option? You wouldn't believe how many say "You can adopt" like I was 4 not 44. Do they really think that is helping???? Treating me like I am an idiot for not adopting...like I haven't considered it ???? Fucking unreal the help I get, and am expected to be grateful for, like a double idiot.
Adopting is not making a baby and every woman out there with a baby should NEVER tell someone who can make a baby to adopt. YOu have your genes alive....so I would think you would understand that instinct to CREATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sheesh, I get sick of having to educate about every little thing. Respect is such an easy thing to demand for many, but impossible to give for them as well. Adopt??? You should think before you blurt out your obvious solutions and respect the fact that I could NEEDTO CREATE as much as any MOTHER!
So, am I am asshole for wanting a baby made by me? I would call myself a Husband and Father, not asshole.
Will my secret admirer want a baby? I find it almost impossible to think so. We want what we want. We like who we like. We love who we love.
It might be real....she could be in her 30's or late 20's and want a family....and love me....and me love her.....it could be......but I can't see it in this dark.
I love the strawberries. I eat each one with care and a slight solemnity. It is a decleration of love I hold, and tase. It is a decleration of some wonderful woman who does not deserve pain. I may be the source of her pain, I realise, as I eat the beautiful strawberry, taste the chocolate, the sweet and sour of the fleshy fruit. I find tears and frustration at every turn. Everything good hides a poisionous snake, slumbering and coiled. I will be the bad guy. I am not fit for human company because I want a baby. How does that turn out this way for me.....? I am so afraid of who it might not be that loves me enough to show me her heart and trust me not to damage it. I want to be happy.
I want to be happy.
I want to be happy.
Did the spell work? Magic is for children. I have no magic at all in my life. I am afraid. I am always so afraid because reality makes wanting a baby, like a good father would, a viper in the crib instead of the worlds greatest good.
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