I hope we are it man it!

I am sooo ready for love. Really. No shit, ready as the day is long. I am open to a woman who has sent me chocolate strawberries! I love choco-strawberries. She says she loves me and wishes I could love her. I could! I am afraid, happy, hopeful, curious and above al......better. I feel better knowing that someone thinks I am OK just as I am, now being near my bottom. Believe this ir not it gets worse that the story so far.
I saw my ex V had stopped taking her hormone pills and I was furious since she hadn't dicussed anything with me. She hadn't taken them for weeks. We had a misscarriage days before. Then I was devistated. She called me a loser and said I did it on purpose so I wouldn't have your baby.
That was it.
This set in motion the sale of the house and a split. My family stole all of my house money using my mom as an excuse: about 50 thousand.
They put my mom in a home.
When informed of the split everymember of my family was only concerned about my moms living arrangements. They had ignored he basically for 30 years. Pat used her as dog sitter. My brother Loius drove 2 blocks past her apt. for 20 years and NEVER ONCE stopped in after work. He had TV shows to watch. Seriously. TV over mom every single day for 20 years.
V and I had mom in her own basement suit in my and V's house. Mom helped me buy it and was on the title...exploited by my family later.
Those of you who are my friends have seen me with Charlotte over the years and many of you have spent more time with my mom than, say Michelle, my twisted sister, in 20 years.
V and me and the kids loved having mom and mom loved being there.
So...not one family member ever asked if I was OK from the split. No t 1 I'm sorry about the misscarriages. They stole my money because they couldn't believe mom would help me buy a house, or so it came out, even though they all knew the house was mine, not moms, even according to her.
There is tons more but that is the gist.
I lost in 3 monthjs : My wife, my kids (her 2 kids), any chance for a baby, my mom, my house, my brothers and sister (who were never really there anyways), all the love in my life was gone, any money I made on the house (I was destitute)and all I had left was a kitten.
V was on the computer hunting for a new man the day of the split. It was...I can't even remeber the month we split...just a haze of pain....you'll see.
My mom is gone and I am in the basement suitewhere she used to be. V is upstairs with the kids I had raised for 7 years. I had surgery scheduled for Feb 13. Feb 14 is the day me and V met. We met online complaining about fucking stupid valentines day. LOL We ended up meeting in Didsbury and we got together after that for 7 years.
To be kind to me V and the kids moved me in with them to the new condo for X-mas and new years. I was with them, but not. Living on charity from my ex who hated me. Why the hate? I am a lsoer. I am a faker. I am an asshole, I am not making house payments, I am lazy, I, I , I ,..........
In the old basement suite, for 4 months...wait...we split in aug....anyways, for 4 months I had been having severe panic attacks.
Panic attacks are the most terrifying thing I have ever experienced and I was almost murdered. The attacks were because I was being robbed by my family, my ex was hunting a new man 1 day later and I had no chance to make a dollar. I was in the way you caould imagine yourself being if you went to the bathroom during your favorite show and when you came out a tiger tried to eat you in the hall. Terror. I was so terrified I would lay on the floor and cry, pass out, cry and pass out again. I am shaking typing this, holy fuck people you can't imagine what extended terror does to a person.
My heart raced so bad that my Dr. saw me once a month to monitor my heart. I was having heart tearing surges in adrenaline from fear. I would turn into ice and nothing would warm me. I had a 5 hour panic attack alone one night, screaming in terror while upstairs V was making MSN dates.
I am starting to relive some of it so I have to type fast now.....I was dead, unable to feed myself, nowhere to go, no one to turn to and the street and death were calling me...then we all went to V's new condo.
I whould here her typing day after day from the basement where I rolled in drugged agony day after day. The sound tormented me and then I had my hernia operation. 8 weeks withiut being able to even put my full weight on my left leg. Dr's orders. This is when the final tortures where enected on me as I watched V go on dates and fall in love, talk on the phone and laugh.
I was trapped on the couch for 2 months of this, sick sick sick so I tried to tranquilise myself and I londed for death every day. This went on for 4 months because of the severity of my hernia I couldn't walk for 2 more months.
V called me everything my ilness called me and the kids joined in. I was raging in depression, unable to imagine ever getting out alive, my heart almost splitting in two from emotional and physical pain. Heart attacks run in my family.
Sher did do 1 thig that saved my life because even she couldn't put me on the streets. She gave me half of her money from the house. I got 50 thou and have spent 30 trying not to die in the following 2 years. That is why I am alive.
There is so much more but this brings me to today, this moment. I can't talk about that time anymore, death comes to close to me now. Today is life.
I ate strawberries and wonder if she is lovely? How she knows me. Is she ready for a baby, or is she done with children. That is my biggest worry, but I am trying to be positive. I can't let this baby curse control me untill I know more. Not knowing is heard, but it also leaves some painful answers in the realm of possible. Possible is beter than NO. So I am eating my last 3 strawberries for brunch and trying to leave my mind and heart open to whatever may come. I know my chanses of her wanting my baby are slim, she would have to be much younger than me to even consider that and I am an old, worthless burden in anyones eyes, let alone a successful fertile woman who could have a healthy man! LOL I am still hoping that I'll be happy. I can see myself happy with a woman. I can see myself happy with a woman and child we have created with our love. I might be able to be happy without a baby, maybe.
I guess like every person I'll have to wait....and see....
I hope she tells me who she is sooner than later so I can make up my own mind. That is my final thought righ there.
Offer what you have to me honestly so the choises are mine to weigh. I will offer you all I am and you can make up your mind for yourself. With both of us, cards on the table we can look into each others eyes and see what we decide. V had her tubes reversed to try and have a baby. I cannot hate V completely for her hate of me.
I am finished my last strawberry and this post. I am too tired for spell checking. I hope I can be happy. I love the hope today for the most part. I will find out soon I hope. Hope is the healer today while the answers remain unanswered.