It Keeps Getting Worse

So just got stiffed for 1000 dollars worth of work since Dec.24. My holiday was horrible. I was sick most of the time, crying, heavy anxiety, exhaustion, insomnia, stiffenning up from head to toe, in depression pain almost constantly.
Depression pain is all over. You just hurt. My muscles stiffen up, like right now this is hard to type. My neck is sore. This is with my medication with the extras I am allowed. My stress is burning through my pills like wild fire and I can't keep up. This is all temporary, but constant, related to the holidays and being ripped off for 1000 and no work to recover the lost funds. Happy holidays KC!
I am unable to leave my house for the most part these last 4 days. I had a nasty day yesterday and Glen came to sit with me last night. He comes 2 or 3 times a week to see me now that I am worse than I usually am.
You see I fight every day and sopme days, even occasionally 1 whole week I'll have no incidents at all. No attacks. The usual is 3 days at a stretch. Then something happens and , if everyone is there around me, and my dosage is my every day dose I react like a normal person. I get mad, I fell shit on and then....it goes away and I move on. I do live days like normal people and I am clinging to the face of the cliff until I can climb back up at this particular time. I am cracking up right now, being overwhelemed by my misfortunes, everyday pressures and battling my fucking brain for control. I am not this bad as a rule. I do better things go smoothly and I have some safety, some security, some support, I can get by on the small amount of love I have in my life.
Now, this moment in time when I can't make up 1000, have another 1000 coming and face eviction and the streets. I wonder how a normal would react? All mighty and able to make thier wants turn into reality! Go out in the world and show them all! Take the lickin' and keep on tickin'!!! Or so I imagine.
I am at the lowest functioning level I can be. I have suicidal thoughts. I long for death moreso. Suicide is exhaustionf to plan and carry out, I am too sick to kill myselfbecause my medication keeps me alive dispite my longing for death.
Sometimes when I have no hope left I just imagine being dead. No waking, no nights full of interupted sleep, sweating so much my bed and pillow, blanket are still wet 6 hours later. No terror of the day. No more crying, dispair, hopelessness, no more pain pain pain. I will think about just magically dying somehow and I smile. I feel relief for a minute or two, the relief of the idea that I won't fucking suffer anymore makes me, for a moment content. Death when longed for is comforting. That is so fucking backwards an not me. But there it is in me. Comfort and relief...my muscles are actually loosenning while I type this. Death would be welcome. Death has been welcome for a while. For about 4 years. It is more work than I can do, just being alive and , as the tears start to flow as I type, I just want to be happy.
Anyone know any rich, incredibly caring, lovely sweet woman to marry me and have a baby? Anyone? I could use being saved. The only way a human can be saved is by the love of another human. Well cats and dogs help, I'll admit! lol I am serious though. I could breath and feel secure knowing I wouldn't end up in a cardboard box. I will raise the child/children and be an excellent husband and father, if not a shitty earner for the most part. I can earn, but sporatically. No rich wonderful wanna baby beautiful chicks in my circle so I thought I'd ask!!! LMAO
Being saved. Being happy. Still being sick, but my old dosage and love. Security and kids. Such a stupid thought, being saved.I am not a pretty woman, so , my chances of being saved is pretty miniscule. Right now, as shakey as I am it becomes a stupid thought I'll keep because any crack of light is worth my life in this dark desert of blackness.
Tuesday, yesterday was so bad I had to call suicide prevention, but that is an amazing story that will make you look at our system of help we have for the mentally ill and suicidal services with appalled, wonder of the most horrific kind. Read the next one and see a life like a fucking bad movie! lol