I don't drink 14 years and counting...but

I haven't drank for 14 years. This holiday season, one night I had 4 drinks. A hot girl from the old days gave me her number and said call lets do something. Bartender, 33. Long story short I drank, I left when I realised she wants to do nothing but drink. So much for the hope of love springing out of thin air! LOL . I have had some drinks and I am afraid. I do not want to start drinking again. Somewhere inside me something has broken and I need to stop the break now. I am succeeding so far. To repeat my mantra, tough alone when you find a drink in your hand and you realise how far you have fallen is such a short time. Thoughts of my ex, her kids who I raised for 7 years must be instantly changed to anything ales. No love there. No daughter, no son, just a scorn for my ilness no matter how raging and painful it is to me. It is more satisfying for them to make me feel worthless by word and deed. I cannot think of 7 years. I try to think of the good times but the face of sadistic loathing screams at me, superimposed over every thought of my last relationship. Mom leads the way and surprise the kids follow.
I was a hero when it started. Every thing I did was for us all. I was committed. The 3 of them were off and on most of the time. I was in and out depending on who was disapointed in me. I was then not the partner in grief for misscarriages but the hated loser who was having a tough time making money.
The progress the family make from 4 people in a bach to 250 thousand dollar homeowners was none of my doing in any way according to them. My sickness was a convinient act and my pain fake and to be simply ignored. Rather than less pressure or support it was sink or swim every day.
I would sleep to give her time alone every day. She spent her time on the computer at home.
So when I try and turn these and a million other memories into something positive it is a huge struggle with the reward of.....I don't know.
I feel abused and hopeless, a loser and worthless from the people I trusted to take care of me as I did them.
The memories are tangled and make me cry so I just try and skip past 7 years in my head. Blank out. Close off that part for now because, alone, with everything else I have to deal with, I would end up in a cardboard box in 3 months.
I am double determined to not drink. It has reared it's head after so long without even being on the radar. Dealing with everything all at ones is too much , sick and alone....isn't that understandable? Like a slow cancer it continues to grow and shrink, but alone is it a surprise it grows?
So yell at me, get frustrated that I don't get cured after a suggestion or pepe talk. You see making a suggestion is as easy as pie. Watch.... " I suggest you never ever ever ever get angry with anyone who is sad and cries and it doesn't get better. Go to a workshop and learn about depression. Go study 50 books on it and learn about the torturous lives brave people are leading"
Why are you still reading this? Are you so eak minded you didn't jump up and do as I suggested? I tried man, I really tried to help you.
So, has anyone invited me over? Called? Taken me out, visited, made any time in thier lives to do something for me? Asking for an invite to your house is too much to ask of me. Besides, if you wanted to do something you would. You want to say something and feel better, I understand completely. But to be as honest about you as you ask me to be about me, letstell the truth. Saying and doing are so different they are the sun and the moon and as distant from all of us as both.
I am so depleted that I can't do much. You are so successful you can do anything. So the logic is you love me, admire me, will do anything, but words are all that ever happen.
No lunch dates as promised. Perhaps it is the sick guys duty to ask everyone. I would think the healthy would ask, but....
No Dinner, no meet my husband, these are my kids, no drink, no coffee.
But I can call and ask for your time to be rejected or accepted. I can invite myself over for tea to be accepted or rejected.
No visits to me, to hug the poor dear, show our support.
NO phone calls, though asked for I am flately refused by even the kindest of you all. Multiple times you all say "I am at work" and can't seem to call from home.
No I am an asshole for wanting that call? I am rejected a phone call when promised "anything" and I am an asshole for writing negatively about my experience? I am starting to feel insane from the interpretations everyone is putting on the word "anything"
A phone call is too hard so your advise seems so....self serving and hollow. Like people only want to say the right thing to make themselves feel like the did something good and , that goal being accomplished, people are certain they have given thier all so don't fucking question, let alone critisize the disconnect between words and deeds, because I become an ungrateful asshole.
So I am a loser again because I just won't listen. The truth is I am an asshole because I choose to think. I choose to believe offers of anything and think a phone call is sooooooooooooooooooooo simple, but instead it is too hard for most. Lunch is too hard for the healthy to take the sick they will do anything for. Dutch is fine by me!!!
A phone call, a visit, an invite to meet the wife and kids, all way too much for the healthy.
So if your life is too full to have me over for tea...I am supposed to cure myself alone, so get cracking.
Man, when I say I struggle alone, lets not augment that word alone with the typed words and no deeds to mean alone with awesome help from awesome friends.
2 peole alone will visit me, invite me, share air with me and they are Glen and Izzy.
I do not expect a single invite from this. I am an asshole after all for critising the quality of mercy I recieve, but wrds make equally usefull food to feed a family as words do to treat a friends depression. Don't waste your time on me, but what about your friends, family or co-worker who is spirallng through the depths of pain on thier way to an agonising death. Can you call them? Please call them....weekly. Invite them over...repeatedly and continually for years and years. Visit them as a regularly part of your busy already full and scheduled for your own needs life.... funny when you want to take a class you magically find time, but a dying friend with menal illness and death hunting them is not as important as learning to Salasa. No wonder people spiral down alone. TV shows become more important, hobbies, just about anything rather than deal with a person beyond words here and there.
If I drink I will hurt myself further so I have to devote energy to not thinking about drinking or drinking. I do my work. I work on my life. I find time to help Izzy and Glen too. I am always able to pull myself out of even a balling fit to help Glen because....I don't know why, but I can, and I am fucked.
I can call and visit and invite and have tea, coffee, lunch, dinner or drinks (red bull and ginger for me) so how come the perfect words of support offered are followed up with....nothing, no actions at all, not even a phone call?
If you can't do it, please at least have the courtesy to not expect me to cure myself of an incurable disease because you wrote a few sentances here and there. I din't invent the saying deeds speak louder than words so don't be pissed at me for pointing out the glaringly obvious. You have people around you who with a little time and trouble on an ongoing basis, can be helped by you making a real commitment to iad these people. Call often, visit often. Invite and pick up if neccessarry to you home often. Will it be a gas grom the get go??? No fucking way, but in a short time will this person feel wanted? Cared for? Important? Worthwhile? Worthy of love? Worthy of happiness? Grateful? Inspired? Energised? Happier??
YOU BET YOU FUCKING LIFE BABY!! yOUR KIDS WILL LEARM CARING AND KINDNESS, YOU WILL SMILE AND LUGH AND FEEL MORE LOVE FROM EVERY CORNER.
So, please re-think the whole words but no deeds form of help. It is a very isolating strategy doomed to make both you and the person you want to help feel ripped off.
You have the strength to do what your sick sister doesn't have the strength for, so visit and have over every 2 weeks. Change the priorities of your routine life dedicated to your kids, your spouse and you to include someone else, maybe eevn 2 people important enough to take the kids to visit!
Save a life, improve a life. Get off your ass like you want us sickies to do! Lead by example and make the world a place full of love, not isolation. Stop being a dog who eats dogs in a dog eat dog world and go eat lunch with a sickie!!!! Tastes way better than dog. So what are you waiting for, get off your ass an take a sickie to the mall for a Cinnebon!! lol
Many of you know me for my perspective and how positive and insightful I have always been, even at 6 years old!!! Many remember me facoing down bullies who were after other kids and you know I am not full of shit. Some have even relied on me at times for strength and guidance, love and encouragement and a belief in thier worth as a person. I am still the same and I beg you all to open your eyes to those you can help. You are not to blame for where you are right now because you haven't been informed, but now you are so from reading this forward, perhaps you will see your power to do good and use to to make the lives of those around you lost in the shadows, a better one to live. Love baby, love is the answer.