Someone is being nice to me. Someone may even love me. Someone secret. I write here and she will see what I am writing so am I writing tio her or from me? Frome me is hardest. From me is all this has been. My lengthy babbles about my existance. Me. From me.
I am afraid. I want to have what I want. Don't we all? But I rarely get it.
My cousin is going out with this guy who is lame, treats her crappy and it is a new relationship. She says "yYou can't help who you like" and I just shut up. How can I argue with that, so I guess I support her. She likes the guy so it's war, disapprove and play nice or support her.
NOw me. I like someone who will probably never like me. I don't know if I love her, probably not, we spend no time together so I guess I want to see if we can be we. So now I know what I want. Try to see if feelings are there spending time together.
This will not happen. She is always busy and continues to do several things at once, continuously to fill her time. Now it is a new thing, then the next thing...so I'll never be able to be more important than the next activity or interest. In writing this I have decided I am a total fool and should withdraw all offers and sink into "aquantance" and NOT GET WHAT I WANT. Do I need to be hit in the head with a hammer?
She does not want me. Obvious but painful on top of pain. Smarten up and get over it, believe the millions of signs that say "she says NO" and live with it. Yippee! Cheated by my own hope again....damn positiveism! Doesn't work worth a crap. I will never even be kissed by her with passion so stop.
Stop. STOP!!!
OK, she can try for her wants and succeed or fail.
I have failed in my want.
Now a secret admirer may love me.
Sounds perfect!! A wonderful, caring woman who may love and rescue me!!!! Sign me up!!!
I am gonna get married and have a baby!!! Yippee!!!.....what did you say.....slow down????
Oh ya, right...what if she is my age, probably is, so no baby for me. No genetic contimuation of my gene pool. What if she doesn't like my assholeishness...what if I don't like her.....her what....? I know nothing but a sweet intention. I whiff of hope..... I don't know if I can take another letdown. Do I have to give up making my own baby?
Don't type a word about adopting as it is not passing on my genes....like I am too dumb to know that adoption is an option? You wouldn't believe how many say "You can adopt" like I was 4 not 44. Do they really think that is helping???? Treating me like I am an idiot for not adopting...like I haven't considered it ???? Fucking unreal the help I get, and am expected to be grateful for, like a double idiot.
Adopting is not making a baby and every woman out there with a baby should NEVER tell someone who can make a baby to adopt. YOu have your genes alive....so I would think you would understand that instinct to CREATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sheesh, I get sick of having to educate about every little thing. Respect is such an easy thing to demand for many, but impossible to give for them as well. Adopt??? You should think before you blurt out your obvious solutions and respect the fact that I could NEEDTO CREATE as much as any MOTHER!
So, am I am asshole for wanting a baby made by me? I would call myself a Husband and Father, not asshole.
Will my secret admirer want a baby? I find it almost impossible to think so. We want what we want. We like who we like. We love who we love.
It might be real....she could be in her 30's or late 20's and want a family....and love me....and me love her.....it could be......but I can't see it in this dark.
I love the strawberries. I eat each one with care and a slight solemnity. It is a decleration of love I hold, and tase. It is a decleration of some wonderful woman who does not deserve pain. I may be the source of her pain, I realise, as I eat the beautiful strawberry, taste the chocolate, the sweet and sour of the fleshy fruit. I find tears and frustration at every turn. Everything good hides a poisionous snake, slumbering and coiled. I will be the bad guy. I am not fit for human company because I want a baby. How does that turn out this way for me.....? I am so afraid of who it might not be that loves me enough to show me her heart and trust me not to damage it. I want to be happy.
I want to be happy.
I want to be happy.
Did the spell work? Magic is for children. I have no magic at all in my life. I am afraid. I am always so afraid because reality makes wanting a baby, like a good father would, a viper in the crib instead of the worlds greatest good.
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8 comments:
adoption isn't an option. No agency in their right mind would let you adopt a child. You are too dangerous not only to them but yourself. Matter of fact, there isn't one qualification in the list that you would pass.
You want a baby so bad because you are so terrified of dying. Typical and pathetic at the same time.
outch harsh comment not cool at all this man is awsome he needs love and a baby
We ALL need love. You can be a complete idiot/moron and you can find love. There is NO prerequisite for LOVE.
There arent' any for being a parent either, but THERE SHOULD BE! Especially for being a GOOD parent!
Being a parent carries much more stress beyond normal everyday worries and stress, especially in the first 8 years of the childs life.
A new life, a infant who would NEED to have a parent he/she can RELY on, DEPEND on to be there.
This guy can't even handle everyday "minor" issues the normal psyche can handle, let alone add another little human to the mix.
You expect this guy to procreate based on the fact YOU and HIM have decided "that he WANTS a baby", that he "NEEDS a baby".
You actually perceive that this guy DESERVES a child???? Sure I can love my child to death, but my child has BASIC NEEDS in order to be nurtured and to grow up to be what we loosely call normal these days.
1 — Needs of the Body
Food/ Shelter/ Clothing
This guy doesn't even work at a steady job as far as I can tell. Can't work because of anxiety so bad, and meds so bad, he can't work.
2 — Needs to Feel Safe and Secure
Ya, this guy just EXUDES safe and security. Scared of his own shadow and of
3 — Needs for Affection
No doubt the child would be smothered with that, until the next thing this guy "WANTS" comes along.
4 — Needs for Self-Esteem
This is out the window, you have to SHOW cildren this AS WELL AS be a good EXAMPLE.
5 — Needs for Knowledge and Understanding
This guy seems to know how to solve everyones problems but his own. He seems to comprehend everything, just doesn't process any solutions and blames everything on his "illness".
6 — Needs for Beauty and Harmony
Well I stopped weighing this guy's worthiness at number 1.
I say this guy wants love, NEEDS love, and is shown love, offered love and he throws it away. (See his latest blog entry)
IF this guy even FINDS a woman in his lifetime that would put up with his shit that would be a miracle, but for him to actually deem that person "acceptable" to him, that is unbelievable.
IF said woman exists, she better be able to take care of TWO infants at the same time while working and supporting her "family".
IF she does, it won't be for very long.
I suggest to the writer of this blog, donate sperm to a fertility clinic. That is the only way you "might" sire children, otherwise, just let natural selection take its course.
A.
Hmm...only the worthy...like you raise children properly.Interesting point of view. Your definitions sound so much like the biggest asshole I know, a guy named Daniel. Cheats on his wife, beats people with bats and talks about how you treat people. You are an American right A? Your children will be cold, like you, if you can attract a woman. I have never had a problem with relationships and have successfully raised two incredible step kids for 7 years, as thier primary caregiver. Funny they learned compassion. They even hang out with the mentally and physically handicapped. Volunteer and such.
The only thing you have shown here is a arch typical razor thin definition of "good" based on your own revolting vitriol. That is why we need you here. You represent all those like you. You are small in every way and proove it with every word, thereby causeing support and understanding to flow my way and to others. By being kind to thier depressed friends, even if they happen to have not spontainiously died to suit you, and even had children! Get your sniper rifle A and "help the kids" who have parents taking medication. I hope you never get proactive and try and "help" kids whose parents 6 — Needs for Beauty and Harmony
Well I stopped weighing this guy's worthiness at number 1.
You iradicate the worthiness of all mentally ill people. Post Partem depression, in your sick word would never happen because thos MOTHERS who would suffer from this normal mental illness would be unworthy to even have a child.
These exact ideas you espouse are applied to Homosexual parents. You A are a cowardly peice of Hitler looking for perfection in your own image. Sick and sad and, typical so tell us more about what you "know" anout me. All I see is bigotted belief and zero knowledge. To see tour # 6 and have you completely oblivious to the glaring contradiction in your words makes you so perfect I couldn't have written a bigger fools opins if I tried. Tnamquility as you are the only one here speewing hateful opins and beliefs is so, so, so.....American. Are you from a fundimentalist church? How many guns do you own? :-) Shoot me and create your glorious vrsion of Beauty & Harmony!! Only the truly psychotic could not see the sickness inside these words "6 — Needs for Beauty and Harmony
Well I stopped weighing this guy's worthiness at number 1" When asked to understand you judge on your beliefs (that are a lot like a racists), attack and comdemn, all for Harmony. Why no calls for death in this post like the others I wonder? I know what you would do to your wife if she "cried" and "felt bad" SMACK!!! Beauty! Harmony! Punch! I know why you hide as A. Can't stand in the light of day and be counted or contacted.
Well KJ or KC or whatever you go by, my name is Aaron not Daniel. No I am not American, actually British.
I have 4 children ages 16, 13, 9, 6 and ONE wife. I'd say I'm more than qualified and I'm quite chuffed to say our children are well adjusted and respect life as they should.
You state you "successfully raised two incedible step-children" yet your own blog states these children want nothing to do with you, plus "step-children" infers you were married, yet you were not and she dropped you like yesterday's news.
Yes it sounds liek you were a primary caregiver, you also sound like a convenient day care assistant for your Ex "V".
The rest of your retort seems to revolve around this Daniel or Americans in general. Personally, I find your dialogue in your reply sporadic, nonsensical and complete rubbish bordering on psychotic and only solidifies my point further.
I recind my my previous statement that there is no prerequisite for Love...
You are a complete idiot, nutter and a wanker who doesn't deserve the love of a good woman or children and are probably cursed to lead a VERY lonely life full of despair until you can find the balls to commit himself to a mental institution.
A.
Wow Arron you are verry nasty.. good thing your kids love you hay?
I have to agree with the British dude, doesn't take much to set you off. I am sure patience isn't in your vocabulary and if your signifigant other bought the wrong shampoo it would send you into a rage. Not a good environment for anyone!
Seems to me that if we agree-you deserve love etc-that we are great.
Then if we agree-yes you're messed up-we're assholes and should be dismissed as you are by some. You turn really nasty.
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